Guardians of the Galaxy-You Already Know It's Great, Why Are You Asking Me?

I know that this blog often reviews movies from decades past, but this review feels more untimely than those because everybody's already seen the damn thing.

"Guardians of the Galaxy" is a sci-fi superhero comedy set in the Marvel universe and featuring a diverse and fantastic cast. As a crime-fighting superhero team-up movie, comparisons to "The Avengers" are unavoidable, and you might be shocked by what I have to say about the two films. 

The movie follows Peter Quill (Chris Pratt of "Parks and Rec"), a rogue, galactic traveler with a trail of past lovers crisscrossing the galaxy...okay, he's Han Solo/Captain Kirk, alright? That doesn't make the character any less compelling as we see him lose his mother as a small child and get abducted by a group of junk-collecting pirates. We see Peter explore a desolate planet and venture through dark temples to find an ancient artifact...okay fine! He's Indiana Jones too, but he's still great. The artifact in question is a sphere containing one of the six Infinity Gems. Any comic book nerd worth their salt knows the significance of this item and it is fittingly the driving force of the entire movie as Peter meets up with the rest of the Guardians for different reasons. Gamora (Zoe Saldana) is hired by Ronan, servant to Thanos and all around bad guy, to retrieve the Infinity Gem. Rocket Raccoon (Bradley Cooper) and Groot (Vin Diesel) are bounty hunters trying to capture Peter. Drax the Destroyer (Dave Bautista) is a lone warrior who lost his family to Ronan and seeks revenge. The five heroes make their way through the galaxy to protect the Infinity Gem and defeat Ronan.

I like this movie better than the Avengers movie. Now calm down and lower your pitchforks. I know that the Avengers franchise was a long time coming and has hailed as a shining beacon of nerd culture for years, but as a movie I believe that "Guardians" stacks up better. Right off the bat, every character's motivation is made very clear and every character is fleshed out. Every actor, including the vocal styles of Cooper and Diesel, was absolutely top notch and well suited to their character. These are the biggest issues that put this movie above the Avengers, because with the exceptions of Robert Downey Jr. and Mark Ruffalo, the Avengers cast isn't as perfectly crafted as the Guardians. There are no weak links in the Guardians chain. Also, five main characters is much more manageable than six Avengers, plus Coulso, plus Fury, plus whoever the hell Cobie Smulders plays.

The stylistic choices in this film are perfect. The movie starts in a flashback in the 80s and the soundtrack of Top 40s hits from that time make the film that much better. The music is played up for laughs at many times, but it also serves as a genuine score that perfectly fits the tone. Whether it's a quite moment between characters or a roaring action sequence, there's always a classic hit to give the film that extra push from good to great. The visual style is also fantastic as the Guardians travel to various planets and destinations that are all unique and brilliant in their design, so much so that this movie should be a model for the new Star Wars films. Every new location is bright, vibrant, and imaginative in ways that few movies can match.

While every Joss Whedon movie is genuinely funny in is own way, the comedic chops of the Guardians are second to none. I saw this movie during its second week on a Tuesday and the theater was still rolling in the aisles at the pure hilarity that this movie manages to convey throughout. Pratt expertly plays the charming, bumbling rogue and every Guardian brings their own brand of comedy to the table. I'm incredibly surprised by whoever made the commercials for this movie and didn't give away any of the jokes but I'm glad they did. Walking into the theater without having any idea what I was about to see was a rare joy for a modern film.

The action sequences and special effects are also great but do I need to say that? All movies look good now, it's everything else that's difficult to pull off.

Ok, did anybody else notice the huge Galaga reference?

When Ronan ordered his ships to kamikaze dive bomb the city, Rocket immediately pulled Star Lord's ship close to the ground and aimed the cannons skyward. Then he said "Shoot the ships before they hit the ground!" That sentence is the entire premise, motivation, and instruction for the game Galaga. Also, Rocket's position as he strafed along the ground is the exact visual given by the ship you control in the arcade game.

Also, for background, in "The Avengers"- Marvel's other super hero mash-up crime-fighting team movie- there is a throwaway line where Tony Stark, on the bridge of the Hellicarrier, calls out a random worker for playing Galaga on his computer while he is supposed to be working. "That man is playing Galaga. He didn't think we'd notice, but we did."

Coincidence? I THINK NOT!

"Guardians of the Galaxy" earns a WATCH IT TWICE for excellent performances from the entire cast, great musical and visual style, and impeccable comedic timing. I know that no one is going to disagree with me about how good this movie is, but what was your favorite character/location/scene? Let me know in the comments below.

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes-They Don't Care Anymore, So Why Should I?

Vague references to a bunch of bullshit that doesn't pan out.

"Dawn of the Planet of the Apes" is the sequel to the prequel to the reboot of the Planet of the Apes movie series and if I have to explain what is wrong with that then you might as well stop watching movies in general. It shows how a colony of apes and a colony of survivors of a human pandemic must work together and fight each other for mutual survival.

For a much better and more concise review of this film's merit and the state of Hollywood in general, visit Peter K. Rosenthal at The Onion here:
http://www.theonion.com/video/the-onion-reviews-dawn-of-the-planet-of-the-apes,36436/

The motifs of the movie are the nature of humanity, fear of humans toward outsiders and toward ourselves, and war caused by lack of communication. These are shown throughout the film in an adequate manner but really nothing to write home about. Or, really, for that matter, to write a review for. I just ended two sentences in a row with prepositions and I hate myself for. That.

The films seems to dance around in various themes and symbols without really committing to anything. The main ape's name is Caesar and the warlike structure of their society is sort of like Rome. Also, the apes live in the woods and hunt large packs of animals like the Native Americans. The king is betrayed by a friend, which is also like Caesar, but then the king's killer takes power and tries to control the king's family so it's more like Hamlet, except that the king doesn't die because they couldn't think up a Lion King-esque way that the king's ghost could visit his son so instead he just tells his son about the murder on his death bed. It's really just a bunch of impotent bullshit.

There's some hunting scenes, there are contrasting scenes that show the structure of the ape society versus the structure of the human society, and there are battle scenes. The scenes that show the home life are interesting but mostly predictable and the battles ebb and flow in a completely arbitrary way. One minute the apes and humans are working together and the next their fighting. One minute the apes are charging the front of the human base and the humans easily mow them down with machine guns and explosives but as soon as it seems that the apes are dying by the scores they suddenly break the wall and take over the entire human village. There's also some scenes where the apes and the humans work out relationships and family issues but I don't even care any more.

I really just can't commit any kind of emotion for this movie. Even hatred seems far to virile for this tepid, watered-down excuse for a story. It's not awful but it really should not have been made. "Dawn of the Planet of the Apes" earns an AVOID IT for just being another example of Hollywood greed and apathy. Fuck it. Do you think this is a good movie? Please explain why you're wrong in the comments below.